The Flawed Mother: Embracing Imperfection in Modern Mothering

As Mother’s Day approaches this weekend, I have been thinking a great deal about my mothering journey, beautiful, messy, and utterly transformative. For 28 years I have been navigating this path, with children now ranging from 28yrs to nearly 18. This means I have parented during the time of dial up internet (Club Penguin was cool) and no smart phones, and guided my younger children through the ever evolving, sometime daunting landscape internet access everywhere and smart devices.

My career has bless me with incredible opportunities to learn from and collaborate with some amazing psychologists and child behavioural experts. So often, I've looked back at my early parenting days, wishing I'd known then what I know now. There are undoubtedly things I would have done differently. Yet, I find deep comfort in knowing I always did my best with the knowledge I had. I believe I did many things well, even amidst the days that felt challenging or didn't go as planned. I have loved every moment of being a Mum and continue to embrace being a ‘flawed’ Mum, because the truth is, the perfect parent simply doesn't exist.

Unpacking the Pressure: The Myth of the Perfect Mum

While new parents have always faced their share of societal pressures, I am genuinely struck by the overwhelming expectations placed on younger parents today. There seems to be an unspoken demand to meet and almost impossible standard of perfection. Given this is a Mother’s Day post I am want to speak directly to all the Mums out there. I am not sure who decided, that the act of birthing instantly bestows upon you the wisdom of, Solomon or maybe Yoda, but I would wholeheartedly encourage you to gently distance yourself from anyone who has such unrealistic ideas.

Every day our online spaces are filled with beautifully curated, almost romanticised images of the 'perfect Mum'. These visuals span from idyllic homestead scenes - where the bread is baked daily and life appears slow and organic, - to elaborate DIY projects creating astonishingly themed bedrooms that the kids will likely outgrow next month. Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous lunch box expectations. It’s lunch,…. make it nutritious and better involve your children in preparing it, or empower them to make it themselves!

It often feels as though modern mums are subtle pressured to adopt a specific parenting 'style' and then meticulously present and 'sell' it across social media platforms. I am profoundly grateful that these images weren't so prevalent when I was a new Mum. This constant stream of imagery continues to spin a narrative that suggests you can only be a 'great Mum' if you build elaborate play structures, prepare a 10 course degustation meal paired with artisanal kombuchas, or craft your children's clothing from collected belly button lint. These images continue to sell a story that you can only be a great Mum if you build your kids something elaborate or cook a 10-course degustation meal paired perfectly with 10 different types of kombucha, or you make your kids clothes from collected belly button lint. Social media by its very nature, tends to glorify and amplify the extraordinary outliers and inadvertently overshadow the beauty of average, every day parenting.

Reality Bites: Financial Strain and the Pursuit of Authentic Joy

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with the concept of baking my own bread every day and growing and eating our own produce, and a slower life more intentional life. Sounds amazing. However, the reality for many, myself included, is that we need to work to pay the bills. Some days I am fortunate enough to have a deliciously wonderful day in the garden and slow down. As I write this, countless families across our country are facing significant financial hardship. The rising cost of living is a very real threat to family security.

These pervasive social media images subtly reinforce a false belief that we must constantly buy elaborate things for our children and encouraging families to go into more debt to procure more stuff. The underlying, often unspoken message is that buying this 'stuff' will elevate you to the status of a 'great Mum' . The images consistently presenting Mums who are perfectly presented, effortlessly skilled at DIY, culinary masters, have immediately returned to their pre-baby weight, whose babies and toddlers never cry or present a challenge. My personal favourite…. a home depicted with nothing ever out of place (I would love that). Many Mums are juggling these overwhelming expectations whilst also working paid jobs to make ends meet, and those Mums who are working tirelessly on the home front (unpaid work) are also diligently managing tight budgets so they can stay working at the home front a little bit longer.

Here is the truth: children do not need elaborately themed bedrooms or fancy Instagram worthy gourmet lunches. Don’t fall for that game. Being sucked into that vortex will probably leave you too busy and too tired to play with your kids, to read to them, or to simply enjoy watching them grow and learn. Children need love, to feel safe, consistency, boundaries and time with a Mum who is present when she is with them.

Comparison: The Silent Thief of Our Joy

President Theodore Roosevelt is often attributed with the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I googled this quote to check for accuracy and found that, the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 says, “comparing ourselves to each other will indeed rob us of joy”; Buddha said that “comparison is the killer of joy” and the Dalai Lama, said, “The goal is not to be better than the other man (woman) but your previous self”.

We are human and unfortunately, at times we can all fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing what we have and don’t have, how we look, how we parent, and it can be the thief of our joy. I am not saying getting off social media is the solution, because there can be some great things to learn and opportunities to connect with some like-minded people. What I am saying is, we need to protect ourselves from social media images that lead us down the comparison pathway and be more critically conscious of what we are viewing and consuming online.

Don’t allow the carefully 'outliers' on social media to guide your Mothering. Focus on celebrating what works for you and your family and relish being ‘average’ in a home that may not be perfectly orderly, where your children may not have a fancy bedroom or a gourmet chef as a mother, but they know they are loved, and memories are being built around time spent together. We are all doing the best we can with what we know and have, at any point in time, so lets be gentle with ourselves. Don’t let your joy be stolen. 

So, from one flawed Mum to another, Happy Mother’s Day.

Love,

Chelle 💗

Special Education Complex Supports and Family Support Specialist..... and Mum of 4 💗