Parenting through Grief: How to Support Children While Navigating Your Own Loss
A Guide to family healing, hope, and holding space for both sorrow and love
In loving memory of Aunty Sandra and Our Lady Di ❤️
Two beautiful souls who taught us that love transcends loss, and that sharing our stories can light a path for others walking a similar journey.
This week as I come to terms with the loss of our dear Aunty Sandra, and my beloved friend Di, my thoughts have turned to the complex journey of parenting through grief. As an educator and a parent, I understand that grief arrives in many forms and affects every member of the family differently. Whether you're helping children cope with death, navigating your own loss, or supporting your family through bereavement, I hope these thoughts bring support. Grief is part of life, and learning to support our children while healing ourselves is one of parenting's greatest challenges.
Understanding Grief as Non-Linear Journey
The Reality of Grief: It never Truly Ends, But We Learn To Carry It.
Grief is part of life, and it arrives in many forms. I have experienced the loss of an unborn baby, grieved the loss of my, Dad, the premature death of a friend, the loss of my breasts to cancer, breakdown and loss of relationships, the grief of watching each of my children move into adulthood and leave the nest, and many other experiences of grief.
Each of these moments in time and experiences of grief had different levels of intensity but each experience needed to be navigated so I didn’t get stuck in the sadness. I have learned from my own experiences and watching those I love experience grief, that it is not linear and does not have a time frame in which you can know you are through it.
In fact, I am unsure if we do ever get to the other side of grief. I think we may just manage it differently as time passes. It’s been 27 years since I lost my unborn child, but every year on the anniversary of his death, and sometimes at random moments I will think of him and grieve the loss of the future he may have had. When my children have reach milestones in their lives or successes, I wish my, Dad, was here to see it and celebrate with us.
Anniversaries, birthdays, special events bring moments of missing those we have lost, and their presence.
Recognising Children's Greif Reactions and Behaviours
Even at a very young age children can sense and experience grief. Children will be aware if their parents or other adults are sad or having a difficult time. Sharing your feelings of sadness will help them understand why you are sad, rather than making up their own story about why you are sad. It also helps them to see that it’s ok to be sad and express this.
Common Signs of Grief in Children by Age Group
Children’s reactions to grief can vary significantly based on their developmental stage, personality, and the nature of the loss. Understanding these reactions helps us respond with compassion and appropriate support.
Toddlers 2-4 years
Regression in toilet training or sleep patterns
Increased clinginess to caregivers
Confusion about the permanence of death
Repetitive questions about the deceased
School Age 5-11 years
Difficulty concentrating at school
Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches)
Guilt or feeling responsible
Interest in death rituals and ceremonies
Adolescents 12 + years
Risk-taking behaviours
Withdrawal form family and friends
Intense emotions and mood swings
Question beliefs and meaning
😢 Emotional Responses
Crying one minute and playing the next, angry outbursts, frustrated behaviour, or appearing emotionally numb.
😴 Sleep and Comfort
Wanting to sleep in a parent's bed, nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, or changes in sleep patterns.
🔄 Behavioural Changes
Reverting to behaviours such as wetting the bed, acting out instead of talking, or changes in eating patterns.
🎯 Focus and Energy
Lacking in concentration or energy, restless, or difficulty completing usual activities.
💭 Worry and Responsibility
Feeling responsible for their parent's emotions, worrying about death, or fear of additional losses.
🗣️ Communication Changes
Asking repetitive questions, avoiding talking about the loss, or expressing themselves through play rather than words.
Supporting Children Through Different Types of Loss
Talking to Children About Death: Aged Appropriate Approaches
It is important to remain open to talking about death and the various experiences of loss and grief. As I mentioned before, grief is not linear and a child who doesn’t wish to talk about a death or a loss in the early stages may want to talk about it later.
🗣️ Honest Communication
Use clear, simple language appropriate for their age
Avoid euphemisms that may confuse children (eg. passed away instead of died)
Answers questions honestly and directly
Let them know its ok to ask questions anytime
🎨 Creative Expression
Encourage drawing, writing, or story telling about feelings
Use books and stories to explore grief themes
Create memory books or photo albums together
Allow play as a form of processing emotions
🏡 Maintaining Routines
Keep daily routines as consistent as possible
Provide extra comfort and reassurance
Be flexible with exceptions during difficult times
Create new traditions to honour memories
💝 Memory Keeping
Share positive memories of the deceased
Include children in the memorial activities
Create special ways to remember on anniversaries
Help them find ways to feel connected to their loved one
Creating Safe Spaces for Family Grief Expression
Incorporating the memory and legacy of the deceased person into family life can also help. This might include sharing stories, looking at photos, celebrating their birthday, or finding ways to remember them during holidays and significant events.
Maintaining Your Own Emotional Health While Parenting Through
The Challenge of Dual Responsibility
Maintaining emotional health as a parent experiencing grief whilst also supporting a child through grief can be very hard. You're carrying the weight of your own loss while trying to be strong for your children - it's one of the most challenging times as a parent.
Journaling, mindfulness practices and staying connected to others can support your emotional health. If the grief feels too overwhelming seek professional support from your GP or a trained counsellor.
A Personal Reflection on the Journey
My personal experiences of loss have highlighted to me that the hardest part of the journey, is that the world moves on even when you may still be in the deepest throws of grief. The greatest support I have experienced was from friends who knew that grief didn’t just end at the point of, ‘no more cancer detected’, or 6 weeks after the funeral, or when you had another baby. I will always be eternally grateful to those friends.
While grief is part of life, so too are resilience, love, and reconnection. I think sharing our stories can illuminate the paths for others navigating similar journeys and help others to not feel alone. It’s ok to not be ok…. and its ok to reach out for support.
love,
Chelle ❤️
Special Educator Complex Supports and Family Support Specialist
Rest in Peace Aunty Sandra, – who never forgot a birthday ❤️
Rest in Peace Lady Di – alway generous with her time and love ❤️
